building up confidence

I know this is endless, again and again, I kept of pathetically bore you with my lame ass stories of how my confidence was shattered by the help of some unfortunate souls on earth.

well, quite recently one of those unfortunate souls came back haunting my life.

he saw my profile, and add me a comment, which, thanked god, under moderation so it was up for me to approve or not. he said something about "do you remember me, I budak mrsm tdk, ala, sherry. you dulu sekolah .... " bla bla bla.

I was a bit stunned for a moment, surprised the next, later got disgusted. how dare these people, thinking they can just dropby with some shit ass comment as if they know me. yes, I am a bitch, I'm not nice. I deleted the comment and felt miserably bad, called my friend Alin (refer previous post), eventually woke her up in the middle of the afternoon to share my disgust for like 3 minutes before I rushed off for a meeting. ( I bet Alin was a bit surprised herself to hear me screaming and ranting for a quick 3 minutes, hahaha). Later that night, she called me up and we talked about 2 hours condemning this poor unfortunate souls.

yes, I can be a bitch in an instant. no need to add warm water or whatever. no need 3 minutes. within seconds, I can be a very cynical sarcastic bitch.

but believe me, if you experienced what I had, you either

a. committed suicide (provided you're a pretty emotional teenager who lives within the need of social acceptance)

b. broke down (within 5 months from spm)

c. hate men for the rest of your life (uhuh, well, I know men taste good, at least some men does, so I rather not, hahahaha ...)

d. be a very cynical sarcastic bitch like me, in an instant!

okay ... so it was days until I came across a blog entry by my dear senior who wrote about the same experiences faced by her friend, in the same school at the same time, but of course, different batch. I wrote a comment stating how ironic it was to be reading the post when I am, at that time, came across a past who purposely come haunting me back.

she asked me

Abby dearie!

I was actually wondering (and I forgot to ask), which piece of your past came haunting u when u came across my blog entry?

If u dun mind sharing!

I replied

just some guys back from maktab tracking me back thru friendster, thinking that just becos they were young and immature, what they've done in the past is forgivable. I don't think so. I personally think, if at a very young age, you can manage to feel guiltless calling people "babi", "pantat" and so forth, you are just the same today, your mentality won't change. its like a rapist saying he knew not better to rape a 5 years old 10 years ago, and now he has change. to me, thats all bullshit.

being young and immature is no excuse to ruin people's life. the brain god gave you is the same then as it is now. sorry I got carried away, this is why I try not to explain. hehehehehe ...

after I replied to her comment requesting the explanation, I had the urged of telling this to that sucker. so I did.

I messaged him on friendster.

salaam.

"I came a LONG WAY from inferiority complex thanks to the guys I went to school with. Don't take shit from those dickheads these days. I just enjoy my music, my beloved friends and my guilty pleasures. Period. and I'm happy."

Awak adalah antara lelaki di maktab yang saya takkan lupa menjerit memanggil saya "Abby Babi" dan juga antara mereka yang menghantar surat layang kepada saya menyatakan "kenapa muka kau buruk macam pantat, macam babi."

I forgive you although you didn't apologise. Mungkin ketika itu seronok memanggil seorang budak perempuan yang hodoh dengan perkataan "buruk", "pantat" dan "babi".

Saya takkan tulis dalam bahasa inggeris lagi, mungkin awak takkan faham. Cuma nak jelaskan keadaan ini. Mungkin, suatu hari, anak perempuan awak akan menghadapi situasi sebegini, dipanggil babi dan pantat. ketika itu, bersedialah untuk berkata "abah dulu pun macam tu, biasalah budak lelaki nak have fun". Senyumlah ketika anak perempuan awak menghadapi satu tahap di dalam hidupnya yang dia fikir dia adalah memang "babi" berupa "pantat" yang tidak layak dilihat semua lelaki di dalam dunia.

Sekian, wassalam.


it took him 1 week to reply, with some lame ass english (mine isnt that good either but his was worst!)

huhu.. nvm.. i forgot about it already.. well, im sorry for everything i've done.. at the age of 25 years old, im regret for whatever i did in the past especially when im totally sux & immatured time.. well its up to u wether u want accept me or not.. i just wanna start a new life and forget the past.. let me introduce myself, my name is sharizal.. nice to know u.. ^_^ ..

okay. what the fuck did he meant by saying "nvm"????? he has no reason to make immaturity to be the excuse of calling me "babi", "muka macam pantat", "hodoh nak mampos" etc. even if my "muka macam pantat" pun, ada ke I embarass dia?????

my high school years was spent feeling miserable, thinking I don't deserve even to look at boys, for the whole 4 years.

it took me a lot of patience, tolerance, to not break down, to move on, to grow up and to learn what is confidence.

even without being trashed, people have been struggling to gain confidence of themselves, and I, have tried, the best, my best, to be where I am, to not even understand the concept of social acceptance and enjoying it, but also to be at the forefront, giving speeches, being emcees, forum moderators, facilitators, leaders and whatnot.

I spent the entire night having dinner with my girl salmi and blurting things out. when she pointed out how serious the subject was and how it was really hard gaining confidence after what had happened to me, I realised why I am so pissed off, why I deserved to be pissed of and why, I am allowed and feel guiltless of being a cynical sarcastic bitch.

its not easy building up confidence when you had yours smashed down to the ground, and you bent down, picking up the pieces, putting it back together until it looks so damn perfect to be back on top of the shelves.

in form 3, I had my name carved at another class's noticeboard stating "akma, kau tu buruk, buat apa kau kawan dengan budak budak cantik".

in form 3, they burnt my desk wrapper and all the stuff I had under that wrapper.

in form 4, they put in my test papers that I failed to answer correct "dah la buruk, bodoh pulak tu".

in form 5, they gave me a letter stating "hey, apsal kau buruk sangat huh? dah la muka macam babi, macam pantat pun ada. hoi, dah nak spm ni, jadi la babi yang educated sikit"

and I had the nerve to reply back the letter, asking why did they do all this to me, what have I done wrong and why can't they think if these things ever happen to their mother, sisters, how would they feel?

they took my letter, and during night prep, they stand in front of the class, "eyh, korang nak dengar tak aku baca satu surat ni", read my letter out loud and laughed their asses off.

I didn't do anything, I sat and cried all the way till I left the school. I had trouble adjusting to environment with boys. I felt terribly ugly all the time.

now you tell me, have I done good building up my confidence? or was it forgivable for them as they grew up? is that an excuse to treat me like that? being young and immature? is that an excuse?

btw guys, if you did this when you were in school, track that girl back and apologise. before she curse your family to hell. becos I did. I cursed their family to hell!

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