abang nasi lemak

The other day, I was walking down Jalan Tun Sambanthan with Oya and she asked me, where was the nasi lemak stall I wrote about and I showed her. this morning, I went out of the house quite early and decided to drop by that nasi lemak stall and get me some breakfast so I can take my medicine later.

the nasi lemak stall is operated by abang and his mother, makcik. excuse me for giving such name, becos thats what I call them. Abang is maybe in his early 30s and makcik is in her late 50s.

This morning I was laughed by Abang, not in a bad way tho, just becos I forgot about the "Layan Diri" concept. Noting that Abang is busy making the roti canai and Makcik was busy making drinks, all the food can just be taken by ourselves, provided we pay la, obviously.

I bet Makcik have been operating the stall for probably most of her life, and Abang is contented in just helping Makcik because thats enough for him. I do look up to them, comfortable and finding sense of security in what they do.

Last Sunday night, I was given a talk by my dad. The (R) Colonel have spoken after a long while of seeing how I adjust my life.

My dad was asking me, what am I running for? What is this life I'm aiming, running, filling up every single second with activities that eventually drain out my energy.

Yesterday, after going to the clinic with Mom, I told her.

Unlike most people who would just want to settle down, I don't see myself in that position. You know, finding a job, finding a man, and just settle down.

Growing up, we are indirectly exposed to Maslow Hierarchy of Human Need.

We have the essentials, the necessities, food, clothes, shelter.

Then we search for security, safety.

Next comes love, friendship, family, sexual intimacy.

We then search for self-esteem in our career and life.

Finally, self achievement in terms of self actualisation.

The definition to every single stage differs from one person to another. Some view love and sexual intimacy as one, and some view love and sexual intimacy as separate. Some view family and friendship as separate, and some regards friends to be part of their family.

What is this life that I'm running for?

I have lost desire in finding anyone to love, especially being convince that I am not a "find" myself. After meeting people whom I love wholeheartedly but end up not appreciating it, and meeting people who says they love me one minute but decided they are disgusted with me the next, I somehow lost faith in that kind of love. So I have diverted love into a new definition. Loving all my friends as I would love a lover. Minus sexual intimacy. Well, the innovation of those battery-operated devices might help in those urgent cases. Haha.

If I have lost faith in love, settling down might seem far far far away from where I stand.

Then what comes next?

Self esteem? As insecure as I am, I have built up my self-esteem better in such small period of time compared to some people. breaking out from inferiority complex. You name it. I am proud of myself. For someone who has been called the most ugliest girl in school 3 years in a row in a bloody boarding school to jump into the Communications line and do what I did, I'm very proud of myself.

But of course, my parents doesn't see all this. They don't know that I love writing and am very aspired to be a writer. They don't care anyway how creative and good I can be, as long as I secure a nice comfortable government job and a husband.

My dad told me, the weightage of a father's responsibility is that he must at least make sure all his girls are married before performing "haji", thats how big of a deal marriage is to fathers.

I do understand where he's coming from. I do understand my mom's concern. Heck, I would want to give away my little sister, Afiqah to her future husband before I get married myself and Afiqah is still 15 years old.

What triggered me most was that ... What is this life I'm running for?

My parents said, everything I do right now is for friends, nothing in it for me.

My father said I have lost the fundamentals of life, rushing and running for things I don't do for myself.

At times, its saddening to know how little faith your loved ones have for you.

And at other times, who is this person running my life?

The people who makes me happy at this moment. And there are more of course.
Photo Credit: Halimi Saidi / Raja Norashikin