building up confidence

I know this is endless, again and again, I kept of pathetically bore you with my lame ass stories of how my confidence was shattered by the help of some unfortunate souls on earth.

well, quite recently one of those unfortunate souls came back haunting my life.

he saw my profile, and add me a comment, which, thanked god, under moderation so it was up for me to approve or not. he said something about "do you remember me, I budak mrsm tdk, ala, sherry. you dulu sekolah .... " bla bla bla.

I was a bit stunned for a moment, surprised the next, later got disgusted. how dare these people, thinking they can just dropby with some shit ass comment as if they know me. yes, I am a bitch, I'm not nice. I deleted the comment and felt miserably bad, called my friend Alin (refer previous post), eventually woke her up in the middle of the afternoon to share my disgust for like 3 minutes before I rushed off for a meeting. ( I bet Alin was a bit surprised herself to hear me screaming and ranting for a quick 3 minutes, hahaha). Later that night, she called me up and we talked about 2 hours condemning this poor unfortunate souls.

yes, I can be a bitch in an instant. no need to add warm water or whatever. no need 3 minutes. within seconds, I can be a very cynical sarcastic bitch.

but believe me, if you experienced what I had, you either

a. committed suicide (provided you're a pretty emotional teenager who lives within the need of social acceptance)

b. broke down (within 5 months from spm)

c. hate men for the rest of your life (uhuh, well, I know men taste good, at least some men does, so I rather not, hahahaha ...)

d. be a very cynical sarcastic bitch like me, in an instant!

okay ... so it was days until I came across a blog entry by my dear senior who wrote about the same experiences faced by her friend, in the same school at the same time, but of course, different batch. I wrote a comment stating how ironic it was to be reading the post when I am, at that time, came across a past who purposely come haunting me back.

she asked me

Abby dearie!

I was actually wondering (and I forgot to ask), which piece of your past came haunting u when u came across my blog entry?

If u dun mind sharing!

I replied

just some guys back from maktab tracking me back thru friendster, thinking that just becos they were young and immature, what they've done in the past is forgivable. I don't think so. I personally think, if at a very young age, you can manage to feel guiltless calling people "babi", "pantat" and so forth, you are just the same today, your mentality won't change. its like a rapist saying he knew not better to rape a 5 years old 10 years ago, and now he has change. to me, thats all bullshit.

being young and immature is no excuse to ruin people's life. the brain god gave you is the same then as it is now. sorry I got carried away, this is why I try not to explain. hehehehehe ...

after I replied to her comment requesting the explanation, I had the urged of telling this to that sucker. so I did.

I messaged him on friendster.

salaam.

"I came a LONG WAY from inferiority complex thanks to the guys I went to school with. Don't take shit from those dickheads these days. I just enjoy my music, my beloved friends and my guilty pleasures. Period. and I'm happy."

Awak adalah antara lelaki di maktab yang saya takkan lupa menjerit memanggil saya "Abby Babi" dan juga antara mereka yang menghantar surat layang kepada saya menyatakan "kenapa muka kau buruk macam pantat, macam babi."

I forgive you although you didn't apologise. Mungkin ketika itu seronok memanggil seorang budak perempuan yang hodoh dengan perkataan "buruk", "pantat" dan "babi".

Saya takkan tulis dalam bahasa inggeris lagi, mungkin awak takkan faham. Cuma nak jelaskan keadaan ini. Mungkin, suatu hari, anak perempuan awak akan menghadapi situasi sebegini, dipanggil babi dan pantat. ketika itu, bersedialah untuk berkata "abah dulu pun macam tu, biasalah budak lelaki nak have fun". Senyumlah ketika anak perempuan awak menghadapi satu tahap di dalam hidupnya yang dia fikir dia adalah memang "babi" berupa "pantat" yang tidak layak dilihat semua lelaki di dalam dunia.

Sekian, wassalam.


it took him 1 week to reply, with some lame ass english (mine isnt that good either but his was worst!)

huhu.. nvm.. i forgot about it already.. well, im sorry for everything i've done.. at the age of 25 years old, im regret for whatever i did in the past especially when im totally sux & immatured time.. well its up to u wether u want accept me or not.. i just wanna start a new life and forget the past.. let me introduce myself, my name is sharizal.. nice to know u.. ^_^ ..

okay. what the fuck did he meant by saying "nvm"????? he has no reason to make immaturity to be the excuse of calling me "babi", "muka macam pantat", "hodoh nak mampos" etc. even if my "muka macam pantat" pun, ada ke I embarass dia?????

my high school years was spent feeling miserable, thinking I don't deserve even to look at boys, for the whole 4 years.

it took me a lot of patience, tolerance, to not break down, to move on, to grow up and to learn what is confidence.

even without being trashed, people have been struggling to gain confidence of themselves, and I, have tried, the best, my best, to be where I am, to not even understand the concept of social acceptance and enjoying it, but also to be at the forefront, giving speeches, being emcees, forum moderators, facilitators, leaders and whatnot.

I spent the entire night having dinner with my girl salmi and blurting things out. when she pointed out how serious the subject was and how it was really hard gaining confidence after what had happened to me, I realised why I am so pissed off, why I deserved to be pissed of and why, I am allowed and feel guiltless of being a cynical sarcastic bitch.

its not easy building up confidence when you had yours smashed down to the ground, and you bent down, picking up the pieces, putting it back together until it looks so damn perfect to be back on top of the shelves.

in form 3, I had my name carved at another class's noticeboard stating "akma, kau tu buruk, buat apa kau kawan dengan budak budak cantik".

in form 3, they burnt my desk wrapper and all the stuff I had under that wrapper.

in form 4, they put in my test papers that I failed to answer correct "dah la buruk, bodoh pulak tu".

in form 5, they gave me a letter stating "hey, apsal kau buruk sangat huh? dah la muka macam babi, macam pantat pun ada. hoi, dah nak spm ni, jadi la babi yang educated sikit"

and I had the nerve to reply back the letter, asking why did they do all this to me, what have I done wrong and why can't they think if these things ever happen to their mother, sisters, how would they feel?

they took my letter, and during night prep, they stand in front of the class, "eyh, korang nak dengar tak aku baca satu surat ni", read my letter out loud and laughed their asses off.

I didn't do anything, I sat and cried all the way till I left the school. I had trouble adjusting to environment with boys. I felt terribly ugly all the time.

now you tell me, have I done good building up my confidence? or was it forgivable for them as they grew up? is that an excuse to treat me like that? being young and immature? is that an excuse?

btw guys, if you did this when you were in school, track that girl back and apologise. before she curse your family to hell. becos I did. I cursed their family to hell!

.

to being safe. to being on air. to being gorgeous.

abby and alin

So, she's leaving on a jetplane. literally. I didn't give her any farewell gift. let me give this poem, for f*%# sake. heh.

----- # -----

to being safe
like the secure feeling that I feel
when I hug you so dearly
and I feel you so close to me.

to being on air
not just on the airplane
but as a guiding soul who looks after
when I'm lost and in need of guidance.

to being gorgeous
not with superficiality in the world
but the beauty of the soul
that you have beneath that tender smile of yours.

its weird, we don't meet that much
its funny, we don't talk that much
but thats no excuse to not love you as much
and thats no excuse to not miss you this much.

----- # -----

those were my final toast as we raised our glasses and see each other's smiles. they look around for someone with the right final words. I look around, glanced towards her and ended up staring at the glasses high up touching each other. I spoke out loud.

To Alin. to being safe. to being on air. to being gorgeous.

See you in a few months time babe. I love you so much!

.

Back to Nature: the Kampung Girl

okay, before you start to imagine me berkemban in my kain batik throwing a pail of cold water upon my face in slow motion in an airy outdoor bathroom with zinc walls, here, I have to disappoint you by stating that Opah's house has water heater and an indoor bathroom for almost 2 decades now and I haven't been showering in kain batik for quite some time and even if I do ... errr ... I might not keep them on until I finish showerin. hehe (woah, I might start a new imagination all together there!)

anyways, the journey back was quite good, an escapade from the busy urban life, late night hangouts, coffees, caffeine, coke, nicotine, alcohol, dancing, and pretty much the like. once awhile, I am actually innocent. heh. we pushed off after breakfast, around 11am (yes, after mama watched a couple of movies on HBO while waiting for us. hehehe)

the must have

We arrived at Batu Gajah and stopped by my aunt's place at Kampung Sg. Terap for lunch. Its been awhile since I really had a kampung meal and nasi putih panas + gulai tempoyak + sambal tempoyak is just, woah, mengenyangkan seh! seriously, I even tambah nasi. Hahaha. And if you really know me, I'm not so much of an eater, friends have this problem of making sure I finish the food on my plate and I know some during my campus life, who would advise me and make sure I take my lunch. And getting kisses from my 18 year-old cousin, who, like my youngest brother, are very much spoilt by us. Everytime I meet him, he will come up, give me a big hug (he's 5'8" now) and kissed me passionately on both cheeks like a loving brother. I would play with his hair and give him a rub on the shoulders. Yeah. We're pretty much pampered at home. It runs in the blood.

We left my aunt's place and dropped by my dad's house at Kampung Sentang in Batu Gajah. The house was built originally for my dad's retirement but we had to rent it out so that someone would look after it since colonel decided to stick around KL for a few more years upon his retirement this coming July. After a courteous visit to the new tenant, we head back to Parit. There's only my Mak Nyah (dad's second sister, 59 and unmarried) and Opah. Opah had some ear infection so she couldn't hear properly. Yes, that adding up to her hearing disability, so I felt a bit rude having to shout everytime I talk to her. But she wasn't expecting us and she was going on and on how she actually dreamt of my dad earlier that afternoon and here we are now, in her house. So its kind of sweet. Well, sweet aside, I fell asleep through the heavy rain (despite sleeping in the car and being the honourable passenger and yes, filling up my tummy with lots of gulai/sambal tempoyak - typical Perakian of me).

I woke up around 6pm only to pester my dad to take me to bendang (paddy field). At first, colonel hesitated since its nearly dusk and the mosquitoes are out for dinner but later on, he was at the front yard waiting for me. Since my younger siblings were busy taking their baths and whatnot, it was sort of quality time for me and colonel who abided to my photography desires and he even pointed out which area to have better angles for my shots. He walked me through the 'batas' and told me the story of the family's paddy heritage and history.

the colonel guiding the paddy tour

We got back, only to have the rest of the family waiting for us to go to my aunt's (Mak Dah) place at Parit Jaya, on the other side of Sg Perak, still in Parit of course. We head to Mak Dah's house and I had my shower there. (Seriously tak malu datang bawak baju and mandi suka hati). Had some good chat with my cousin Ijan. Being partners in crime, its just too bad that Muid didn't came along, if not, me, Muid and Ijan would be cruising the streets of Ipoh late at night and took some fantastic photography. But me and Ijan made a pat for the next Java International Jazz Festival, insya'ALLAH, if God is willing for us to go to Jakarta. Hopefully next year. That would be a good trip. Owh, did I mention about our coming Angkor Watt trip? Hehehe, I'm psyched! God's willing (Amin!)

We got back home, and Mak Nyah already prepared dinner, again, I ate a lot. Hehehehehe ... Yes! Rice and lots of gulai tempoyak, ulam jantung pisang, sambal mangga! And rendang ayam! Hehehe. Tambah nasi lagi!

After dinner, we head to Ipoh, to my Abah Lope (dad's eldest brother) because he invited to Kenduri Arwah/Doa Selamat he organised for Tuk Wan (Abah Lope's mother-in-law) and for my cousin brother Faizal who's leaving for Sweden next week to further his Masters in Marine Biology. Cik Yang (Faizal's name at home) always tease me, so, he was asking me when I'm getting married and so forth. And mama, of course, started to interfere in the conversation, asking if he has friends he can hook me up with. Cik Yang started giving all these young lecturers' names to me, some of them potentially flying off to further their studies (yes, long distance relationship never fails to interest me, imagine - total freedom with knowing you'll have a secure plan behind your back, hahahaha!). I told him, I'll let him know once he comes back from Sweden in the next 2 years. Unfortunately, Cik Yang is leaving behind his 4-months pregnant wife, Kak Zura and his 3 years old daughter. We left much later after we cut the cake for my nephew Ashraf who turned 2 years old on Labour Day and catch up with my cousins on their life with kids. Heh. I have no kids. I can't share my stories on night life, late night hangouts and excessive dosage of friends and excessive consumption of guilty pleasures now, can I? hehehe ...

Once we reached home, I forgo my desire to moon-gazing and went straight to sleep at 11.30pm after some reading. Hohoho, lena tidur sampai 7.30am. That was early. Very early! Then again, its the kampung ambience I guess.

breakfast kampung style!

After breakfast, colonel took us to bendang again, this time around specifically for the pleasure of my younger siblings. He also shown us the bamboo spot where my great grandfather dug two old tempayan filled with pasir kuning (gold!) and it was said that one tempayan was given to a 'megat' family who later became rich. One of the tempayan was buried back at the bamboo spot and will in the future find its rightful owner. Well, I can't assure you the truth in this but I recorded my Opah spilling the whole legendary story of the said "tempayan berisi pasir kuning tertanam dekat buluh kuning sebelah bendang". Cool or what! But no, I'm not gonna dig it up, and btw, the yellow bamboo is no longer there, except from a very bushy and muddy area with yes, a bamboo tree.

the said location of the treasure.

We got back home, Abah Lope and Mak Dah dropped by, I dropped myself on the bed and we waved goodbye to Opah and Mak Nyah around 12pm. Stopped by at Batu Gajah then head straight to KL. Owh yes, of course, a stop to the Ulu Bernam R&R for the famous Yik Mun pau. We used to stop at the original restaurant in Tanjung Malim when I was younger and the mee hailam is always my favorite. I guess I've mentioned that once in my earlier postings. Yes, I have this habit of repeating the same ol' story, so now, its either I start writing a new blog to a new target audience, or start finding new friends. hehehe. Can't change my habits tho. They're what I'm made of. Then, I'm made of the same lame ol' habits. Hahahaha.

I'm not so much a kampung girl but I'm always open to adventures and hard life. I know that sounds a bit too good to be true, but being me who isn't picky about anything, I simply love the kampung life, the modesty of it, the whole thing, the sleeping at the front hall, the heat sunny afternoons and the cold breezy nights. The mosquitoes are quite irritating but thats what makes a kampung what it is.

This time around, I recorded most of Opah's stories on my HPiPaq and I felt good because, at times, I will replay it, and connect to the stories, the legend, that made me, who I am.

We don't know where we're heading to if we don't know where we came from, again and again I remind myself.

I want to know where I'm heading to. And I want to know where I came from.

Thats it for now.

This is me sharing part of my life, voluntarily.

.