a restless Glum Chum

I have not written here for quite awhile here.

I wrote 2 notes in Facebook today.

Note 1: restless

Wow. I haven't gotten me enough sleep lately. And every morning, forcing myself to wake up and go to work. What annoyed me the most is that, my insomnia is not caused by work or something useful. Whats the cause of it? I dare not share becos I know some good buddies will smack me in the head for it.

But anyways, I was driving home last night and then the song 'Vogue' by Madonna was playing on my iPod. Suddenly I was inspired to do a set of self-portrait, under the theme of 'Strike a Pose'. Ideas came rushing in and immediately as I arrived home, I went straight to my bedroom and started to get the setting ready. With my point&shoot digicam, I was determined to do a very "strike a pose" nude self-portrait. Yes, nude.

Unfortunately my cheap P&S Digicam's battery went out and since it uses two AA batteries, it requires me to go to the shop and get new ones if I wanted to continue. I decided to go down and have dinner instead.

The results of the shoot was not as I expected, but inspired me to improve and cleared my mind of the direction I'm heading in terms of creativity for the shoot. Not that I'm pro tho. Just that I'm very much experimental and up for challenges.

And unfortunately for you guys, I didn't bring my camera in today so I can't show you the results. Haha.

But most of all, what I learned from all these is that I SO NEED TO WORK OUT!

A misconception of my so-called slim body is that I don't have any curves and I need to tone up my abs! I know I can do it becos I once have a 4-pack abs (no kidding) and I miss it somehow.

I think what I miss most is how I used to be so disciplined, such a control freak and someone who's very very OCD.

Nowadays, I couldn't care less, I procratinate like nobody's business (even tho it really is nobody's business) and I am as lazy as hell.

When I was young, small, naive, innocent and THE most adorable little kid (hahahaha, talk about narcissism), I used to volunteer for house chores, have a schedule for it, even tried to charge my folks for it (yeap, naturally born with a business mind). Basuh kereta = RM0.80. Basuh kain baju = RM0.50. and so on. Haha.

Yeap. And in college, I kept myself busy with so many things. Until I nearly flunk out of uni. Just becos "Accounting" was so dead boring, my classmates were so dead boring, 'skema', and just, boring (got la one or two who's not so boring) and I needed something that doesn't bore me.

I need to get back in phase. I got all these ideas in my head, but lack execution.

I need someone to give a BIG HUGE whack on my head and say, "Abby! Wake up and RUN!".

The Colonel asked, on June 1st, what is this life I'm running for?

Don't the Colonel see me stuck in bed every freaking weekend? What life? What run?

I wanted to further my studies. Encouraged by some friends, this was the latest desire I dwell in recently.

I never was good in school or uni. I nearly flunk out, my lowest CGPA is 1.46 with a red "Perhatian Akademik" in the result slip. I was not allowed to graduate when I was in MRSM becos I flunk all my elective subjects. The guys wrote me a note saying, "Dah la buruk, bodoh pulak tu. Jadi la babi yang educated sikit nak SPM ni", when I was in Form 5. Yeap, thats how stupid I was. I slept thru Physics, Chemistry, Accounts, History, Add Maths, you name it, I slept thru them all. Me and some few 'genius' others celebrate our achievement to even getting 8/100 for our Add Maths paper. "Weh, kau dapat berapa?", "Aku dapat 8/100", "Ish, aku dapat 6/100. Lagi sikit nak 8". Yes, those were the days where life was easy. My Add Maths teacher asked me on the day I picked my SPM results, "Akma, gembira nampak?", "Yelah cikgu, saya dapat C6!".

Tell me people, with that kind of brain, should I further my studies?

You might say I am clever and smart and I can pull it off. But honestly, this smart suave looking person you're refering to is just a disguise, a cover up to the brainless person behind it all. And not only the absence of brain, I am not creative to even begin with either. I can't draw shit. Standard 1, I already started paying my Yongie to do my artclass drawings for RM2 !!! (1989, RM2 is A LOT!)

I wondered about all this when I was sitting in the discussion room at the International Convention for Asian Scholars (ICAS) last year. There I was in a room with MBA scholars, Doctors with PhDs, Professors, academias, intelligentsias, bla bla bla.

Thats why I learned how to lick ass, suck up, butter up people with my charm.

Becos I'm dead stupid and brainless, and I have no artistic or creative blood in my veins.

I survive on people's grace to my fake charm.

Okay, I have rambled off the main topic.

I am very restless and I need to work out to tone my abs. Wow, I feel like a very superficial dumbass jock.

"So Abby, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm an analyst, a CSR Analyst"

Comments for the Note:-

Cahaya Emily wrote at 12:56pm
syg..

gosh i benci gle sape2 yang tulis note kat u mase form 5 tu!
let me kick them all!!anyway..keep on posting..i just love reading urs.it
touches my heart and soul.....

Abby Latif wrote at 12:58pm
hahahaha, thanks Arfah. Oh my, rindu nyer you, its been so long kan?

Nur Ain wrote at 1:39pm
Abby, u never know all those genius ppl...only academically bright....
but you...miss abbylina jolie...you are academically qualified (hey ..we all got our degree right?) and smart and opiniated !!

Abby Latif wrote at 1:41pm
Owh, thanks Ein. Altho my opinions these days is much concerning how to get laid, but yeah, thanks. Hahahahahaha.

Cahaya Emily wrote at 3:21pm
i pun rindu u..nk nanges.(i emo kat ofis nih)

Abby Latif wrote at 3:25pm
Hahahaha, hari ini hari emo.

Note 2: Glum Chum

I woke up to find my mood to be non-existence.

I drove to work, forcing myself to sing-a-long to the blasting music with a very indifferent face.

I twittered. I needed some good vibes. I have lost the need to smile.

Mizie said in reply "think of urself as Abbylina Jolie! had a sexy smile, good at big guns! wuhuuu! amacam babe? r u smiling now???"

Prakash asked, "u wanna hug? I can always hug you... Muackz"

Waa suddenly sang, "baa baa black sheep have you any wooolll?? yes sir, yes sir, three bags full.. *dinyanyi dgn suara yg sangat sumbang* Smile tak?"

Effa asked, "why so glum chum?". Okay, I jot this down becos I wanted to justify where I get the title. Haha.

But yeah, thanks to all who show their concern. I love you guys so very much.

Even to Belanda who noted, " Happy to know Abby SMILE at last! We all luv u babe. We care. We Dare. We Win. muahahaha...".

On my part, I just wanted to scream on top of my lungs,

"FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING HORMONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

But seriously guys, thanks. Thank you so much. I'm just restless. But maybe I'm like a FOXY restless Abby. *winks to Mizie*. Yeah man, I can handle Big Guns and I can Curve Bullets!

*to note, I'm still a glum chum. Its this friggin hormones I tell ya. I so need a rooftop and scream it out loud! If the feeling is still there later after work, I'm game for a scream, let me know if anyone else wants to join or have a suggestion on where I can find a spot to scream it off.

Comments for that note:

Abby Latif wrote at 1:06pm
This is what I'm feeling right now.

All day I think about it, then at night I say it.
Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing?
I have no idea.
My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that,
and I intend to end up there.

This drunkenness began in some other tavern.
When I get back around to that place,
I'll be completely sober. Meanwhile,
I'm like a bird from another continent, sitting in this aviary.
The day is coming when I fly off,
but who is it now in my ear who hears my voice?
Who says words with my mouth?

Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul?
I cannot stop asking.
If I could taste one sip of an answer,
I could break out of this prison for drunks.
I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way.
Whoever brought me here will have to take me home.

This poetry, I never know what I'm going to say.
I don't plan it.
When I'm outside the saying of it,
I get very quiet and rarely speak at all.

Who Says Words With My Mouth? by Jalalludin Rumi

Raja Norashikin wrote at 1:08pm
tenggelamkan muka dlm kolam bilik air you...and scream your lungs out. but kalo tak ada kolam how? scream under the shower...effects tak sama lak Abs. cari baldi lah :P

Abby Latif wrote at 1:11pm
Okay, thats a good idea too. My bathroom got kolah. Boleh la tu.

But, nanti my parents pelik plak kan. Apa bunyi bubble bubble jerit sayup sayup kedengaran tu. Diaorang ingat I psycho plak karang. I need a place, outdoor where I can scream and no one can stare at me weirdly. A deserted place. Suddenly I feel like crying to.

Fucking hormones. Fuck you hormones. Fuck you!

Raja Norashikin wrote at 1:13pm
LOL!!!

Nik Azwaa-Azmi wrote at 1:23pm
ABCD_FGH_JK__NOPQR_TUVWXYZ...

Where r E,I,L,M & S?

Hmm..i told them 2 appear on ur face, to make u "SMILE"!

So,keep on smiling and have a good day.

Oh my god... That was so corny!

Raja Norashikin wrote at 1:26pm
that's a good one azwaa...hahahahahaha... :-D

Abby Latif wrote at 1:30pm
Hahaha.

Waa. I think kan, when you left your glasses at home, you terus jadi old fashion today. So the pakcik pakcik 80s nye advise.

Nonetheless, it does make me smile, wickedly. Hahahaha.

Abby Latif wrote at 1:32pm
I'm tagging Ena. Babe, wanna go somewhere and scream it all out? Jom babe, jom!

Violet Bleu wrote at 1:37pm
haiyo. just go for a vodka la. easy.

Abby Latif wrote at 1:37pm
Hahahahaha. Haiyo, jerit percuma. Vodka = RM18.

Eleena Mohd Riduan (UIllinois) wrote at 1:47pm
*joins Abby in cursing the hormones* !!!

Abby Latif wrote at 1:49pm
lets scream it out loud babe.

FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING HORMONES. YES, FUCK YOU!

Okay, I seriously need a place to scream it now.

Ahmad Tarmizi Abdul Rahman wrote at 4:08pm
LOL... hehe


Why all these? Becos I want to share and spread the negative vibe. If I'm going down, you're going down as well. Haha.