Independence is not just about being self-sufficient

There I was, as they countdown the seconds to Independence Day, alone in my room playing some silly Mahjung game on my laptop. Not to say I'm the least patriotic, but I was playing those so-called smart-ass person shit where I think its a total waste of time to just countdown and celebrate this parade without any knowledge of the Independence period 51 years ago. I worked in a library once, going through records of historical events, having to jot them down in bulleted points for work and reading them through, so I know bits and bits of what happened. And to see firing fireworks, parading and dancing in streets, is not really my type of celebration. If they start reading the Declaration of Indepedence or a journey this country for the past of 51 or 45 years, let me know.

But thats not what I wanted to write tonight, or morning, or whatever. It is 12.23am, so is it middle of the night, or also considered morning? I don't know.

Well, I am a very friendly person, easy to adjust and sometimes, easy to get comfortable to people and starts spilling my life to them. But there are certain individuals who I really share some stuff in my life. For example my work. I don't talk about work to everyone easily just like that. I think, I talk about work with some of my closest collegemates from UiTM, being Farisa and Farah. Maybe because they talk about their work too. And maybe because we're among those single ladies who loves to talk about work because none of us are dating, in a relationship or have anything slightly romantic happening in our lives at the moment. So, talk about work we must.

A few days back I've been wanting to write about this ever since I answered this question:-

Q: If you weren't in your current line of work, what would you be doing instead?

A: Funny to say, I can never imagine myself doing anything else than what I have grown up to be right now, and ironic enough, I never imagine myself to be doing what I'm doing right now. I'm basically doing everything I can, and enjoying it while I can.

Never in my previous life, would I ever thought at one point that I wanted to be a CSR Analyst or a social networker. When I was 7 years old, I wanted to be a V.I.P. because I know V.I.P.s are rich people who rides a chauffeured limosine and goes to work with their briefcases and sign documents. Then, a year after that, I wanted to be the first Lady Prime Minister in Malaysia. Of course, unlike KJ, I don't have such determination to snake my way through my political agenda at the age of 8, so its clearly why I have lost interest in becoming a politician.

Anyways, earlier today I asked a friend, did she always wanted to become a writer that she is today and she said no, she wanted to be something else.

Ambitions and being ambitious are two different things, even though derived from the same root word. Ambitions are usually set as we were growing up. As time goes by, we grew up to become who we are today, we lost track of our ambitions and we settled for whats good at the moment, either that or we grew to like something else. Ambitious on the other hand is more short-term, it inspires and motivates you with a little bit of excitement in reaching a certain short-term goal. Everyone is ambitious to reach and get what they want in life, because what they want constantly change in a short period of time.

I always wrote about how I was never good in school. I was that student who jumped up and down because she got 38% for Chemistry, a little higher as compared to 33% she got the semester before that. And also that student who boasted how she got 8% in Add Maths as compared to another friend who got 6%. And I was never a reader or a bookworm. I was one of those smarty pants who think she's good enough as she is, the education system sucks and wanting straight A's is for normal boring people who wanted to fit in with society demands.

Thats why when I got Grade One with 16 Aggregate for my SPM, I felt somewhat, content, even though I knew, I could've gotten below 15 aggregate if I scored A1 for my English paper. Owh, did I mention I got C3 for English. Yes, I am not good in English either. All these, these writing in English crap, is just to trick you all. With the MRSM grading system of using CGPA, I was among those who couldn't graduate for my Form 5 because I failed my elective subjects more than 3 times. Yes. Getting a place in UiTM was sort of lucky for me. But I'm grateful enough. Even though at one semester, I failed 4 out of the 5 subjects that I took. The only subject I passed that semester was Entrepreneurship. And that was because I talk cock during my presentation and I got an A for that.

After I graduated, my first job was a Communications and Publications exec in an academic-based NGO. Basically, I worked in a library. And of course I love being surrounded by books. It made this smarty pants look like she IS smart after all, being surrounded by books even though she rarely reads one.

In one particular event, I was in a room, filled with academicians, there to take notes and photos for my organisation's slot in the International Convention of Asian Scholars. Sitting in that room listening to presentations and debates, I thought to myself, never on Earth would I imagine I'd be sitting among intelligentsias and suddenly smiled, with the thought of those, who got 10 Aggregates, and 8A1s in my batch, but will never be closed to the opportunity in life I'm living at that moment.

I learned as I grow older, life is not longer about scoring As in your examinations. Its a plus to be that First Class Honours degree holder, but, life is not about that anymore.

When I typed my answer to the question above, I wondered, this is it, what I'm living for at the moment. I don't see the future and I never have imagined it in the past.

This is my present and this is who I have become. And funnily, it fit me well. It has me written on it, and it, written on me. I am no longer ambitious, nor I became one of my ambitions.

I have become the person I was meant to be. Thats just about it.

Its funny to say that at this point, I don't have this desire to be a millionaire, or a big boss, or drive a big car.

It wouldn't hurt to have a few extra hundreds of dollars of course, but the life I'm living in right now, I'm just blessed with the fact that even in my most critical moments of not having money, I can still manage to get to the office and at least eat a bun for the whole day even if I don't have enough money for lunch. But as I keep in mind that, there are a lot of people who has had it worst, who is suffering more, so I'm just grateful that life still goes on.

There's a point in life when you life based on faith. Not just religion wise, but faith in yourself.

Faith that what happens today is destined to happen. Faith that you will be able to get through with it. Faith that you can help yourself and if you take life positive enough, God will help your pursuit in finding solutions to your problems.

I might not be the most religious person in the whole wide world.

But I have faith, a firm faith in myself. No matter how much I rant, vent and appear to be so lonely, shallow and bitchy,

This faith brings me confidence and hope.

And this faith is my Independence.

Happy Independence Day people!