halloween and missing someone

yes, I am the kind of person who dwells too much into emotions.


but this time I'm trying hard to enjoy the flow.


I'm loving every moment of it.


Her laughter.


Her smiles.


The way she makes me laugh.


Not to mention how HOT and Pretty she is and of course, my ex boyfriend would not even score someone close to her, haha.


I don't settle for less.


But of course, I'm enjoying the flow.


I haven't met her for a few days now. Because I'm sick.


But maybe because I'm so used to meeting her every single day before that.


I'm not back to being sappy. I'm just back to being happy. And its fun. Fun fun fun all the way. Especially when you are able to carry out cute and decent conversation, with exceptional English with such a hottie. And most of all, she is so likeable among my friends.


I'm just pretty much smitten by her.

a thursday morning *sniff sniff hachum!*

Sipping my strong black coffee while burping after I gobbled down a Sausage McMuffin with egg I just bought for breakfast. I have one more, just incase. Recuperating meaning me need more food to build energy back. Yeah right. Excuses excuses excuses.

I've been sick for the past 2 days, the first day was still hanging on while yesterday morning, I know I should get my meds. A little regret came to place because abah offered to take me to the clinic the night before but I insist on not relying on my folks.

The adik in me was fighting with the big Nulah.

Adik says, "Bodoh, pergi je la ikut abah gi klinik" and Nulah countered back, "Sakit sikit nak whining, kalau duduk sendiri nanti ada ke abah atau mama nak bawa gi klinik? Dah besar panjang, take full responsibility of yourself la!"

And so, yesterday morning, I went to the clinic. I don't really like this doctor, Dr. Ros. She's nice and all but she'll be like "Hish, sakit sikit je kan?" and kept on telling my monthly tonsilitis is nothing serious at all, its just sore throat. She didn't even get back to me on my blood test last time, when I wanted to check my sugar level. Even when I had some small seizure where my left hand would constantly every now and then when shaky, she said, "Takde apa apa". I know its wrong of me to check with a general physician like her, but still, with an average of 5 patients a day, she couldn't care less. I was just 5 minutes in her clinic and thanked god the consultation wasn't costly, but I still paid RM26 for the meds. Considerable, still, I think. I think I need to find further consultation on my nerves, the constant shaky hands. I do believe its just nerves. And no, I don't think its the alco or the nico, cos I got it ever since ..... 5 years back. Maybe its the sugar. Maybe......

But I stepped in the office at 2pm after taking my morning meds and dozing off. Sour-soup other half told me that normal people takes half day off and went home at 2pm and rest the whole day. Told her I'm not normal, in fact, I'm just plain weird. I enjoy being in the office. Hence, I'm a weirdo.

Today is Thursday, October 30th and a friend of mine is celebrating his birthday. Of course I won't write down a nice anecdote as Ena since she knows you better than I do, but Mr. Nik Az-Waa, you are sincerely a dear friend, a nice guy and as I wish you Happy Birthday, I am also wishing you all the best in everything you do, be it career or love, cos I know you're a guy who deserves the best of both. :-) Thanks for those kind thoughts you've spared me and also funny funny moments we shared together. Seriously someone I enjoy hanging out with (although he's constantly busy with his blackberry) and someone I'd share my Gudang Garam with. *winks*

Yesterday was Yana's birthday. Yana is my housemate. I wouldn't say ex housemate because she'll always be the housemate I'd ever want to live with. I've known Yana since we were in Melaka campus but we gotten close when Faris introduced us to become housemates in late 2004. Despite our differences, the bond we share goes beyond just being housemates, we look after each other's back and we provide console to each other. So Yana, Abby nak wish Happy Belated Birthday and Abby sayang Yana sangat-sangat! ;-) Malam ni kita dinner ok!

I'm doing my checklist again today. Everyday I try to have a checklist at work, something I can tick off when I'm done doing it. I try to be as anal as I can. I use to not want to be an analyst. I thought researchers and analysts are boring boring people. Now that I am one, I try to not sound or be as boring. I'm not a boring analyst am I? :-(

I haven't touch a ciggie since ....... Monday. I haven't meet ................ since ....... Monday.

I find solace in drugs. Prescribed ones that is. I came home at 7.30pm, ate some muffins, and took my meds and went to sleep. Woke up at 10.30pm, ate some rice, took my meds, and went to sleep. Woke up at 4am, ate some muffins, took my meds and went to sleep.

Got in the office today and was boombarded with 5 emails from A(na)lbert(gh) and Jerk. Hurm, just as the responsibilities just got switched last 2 days, they're really giving me something to vent about.

Life is like a box of chocolate. Its fattening but you still want it!

(I need to get something to keep my throat not so dry-ish and those vicks inhaler for my marathon-runner nose)

in solitary confinement

(written Thursday October 23rd, 2008)

I came across a friend's blog who has this written. Permit me to quote this.

2. what makes one happy?
trust.

I couldn't agree more.

As I said before, quoting from a conversation I had with my sister, "If you can't trust a person, how can you gain their respect?".

One so many times I've said and write about it, Faith is something we own, Trust is something we give. Both are ours and no one has a say on it.

I look like I'm happy. People think that I am leading such an interesting happy life. I talk about things that matter, things which are of certain importance in life and some carries certain weightage in the world.

I think what makes me breathe happily today is the amount of trust I have for my own self.

I don't brag when I write this, some people sees me as being 'trustworthy'.

It is tiring to keep up to the standard. But its also flattering to know how much people can depend on you and trust your guts in advices and doing things.

Although I slack, play around, give tons of excuses, I pretty much take all the responsibilities I can of my own actions. This is because I trust myself to be a reliable person.

As I write all this, its not to specifically bring myself up or anything of that matter.

Its to remind others how easy to live your life, even for someone who grew up with tons of self-esteem issues and 4 years of inferiority complex.

I'm not going to carry on repeating how I grew up having guys calling me "muka kau lagi buruk dari pantat babi" and chanting "abby babi" and advising me to be "lebih educated dari babi" and stuff like that for a whole of 3 years. Talk about puberty, you guys need serious counseling. Nor would I start on the effects of those tragic inferiority complex where I actually have to lower my head everytime I pass by the male species because I thought my looks nor personality is worth existing in their world.

What I'm trying to say is that,

When you trust yourself well enough to carry the real you inside out, Thats the only happiness you would ever want in life.

Where the H have I been? Part Final

Pictures have been updated on my Facebook and it has satisfied some few people. I guess that was enough. Hehehe.

Where the H have I been? Part One

I haven't been updating anything since October 6. Wow. There's a lot that has been happening in my life since then. Not to mentioned some people are high up in the moon ;-)

Lets just conclude this in visual.

October 5th, Sunday, I had a small 'makan-makan' at home with some friends who could make it. Friends from MRSM like Alin, Dayana, Lilia who came with her (now) fiance Kerol, then friends I made in the entertainment industry like Halimi, Oya and Donna came by to 'makan' my mom's famous spaghetti ala asia. Hehe. Oya, Emi and Donna stayed to watch the Amazing Race Asia rerun.

yes, mengulor lepas makan la kan
(Photo Credit: Muid Latif)

my mrsm mates!
(Photo Credit: Muid Latif)

October 8th, Wednesday, we had a surprise birthday celebration for Atilia since during her birthday last month, she wasn't in the country. It was a chaotic plan which resulted to the sweetest celebration and the family love grew as always. Of course, to date, I'm still the youngest one in the group and am pretty much glad to have them as my kakak-kakak and abang-abang!!!

My big brothers and sisters, so much love!!!!!!
(Photo Credit: Raja Norashikin/Halimi Saidi)

The Mujik family!!!
(Photo Credit: Raja Norashikin/Halimi Saidi)

October 11th, Saturday, I went to 3 different events! Farisa's Open House (in which she initially said 'makan-makan kecil' but doesn't look like it tho), Bibi's Lontong-the-making-I-the-guinea-pig-tryer-but-lontong-turned-out-very-nice-actually. Hehehehe. Got to play with baby Aini of course, apparently got to 'dukung' her as well!!! Later in the evening, Nell organised a birthday bash with another 2 October babies with the theme, 'Back to School' and of course, we all went as legally seductive schoolkid wannabes. Hehehehe. Happy birthday to Nell, and newly made friends, Nur and Mira!!!! The party was FUN FUN FUN!!!!

Me, Farah, Farisa and Enni, 4/6 of the Energetically Vocal Clan. hehehe.

Baby Aini Sakina, look how sweet she is!!!!

Bibi's Lontong, sedapppp!!!!!!!!

Legal schoolkids, so to speak.

Happy Birthday to Nell on the October 17th, 2008! She's a Libran Dog just like me!!!

Okay, I think thats enough for now. Will be updating Part Two very very soon!!!!!!!!!!

Don't take it personal

(written on October 16th, 2008)

It's all business, don't take it personal. Thats how we business people roam the world, using that as an excuse when ethical practices were being played out. Being trained or educated in business studies and accounting, and being a totally fair libran, I had to force myself to agree to the fact that when money or profit is concerned, we can never take it personal.

My network comprises of people from various industries and background. But most of them are creative based people. People who are emotionally attached to their work which is mainly produced with personal touches. Being someone in the middle, and yet preaches the ethical behaviour of business practices, I had to constantly explain how this is all business, nothing is personal, to avoid hearts being broken, trust being breached and passions being smashed down to the ground broken to pieces.

In this fast developing world, we all crave for satisfaction, and yet, the universe's rule of thumb, is that human being can never be satisfied.

I remembered when I left my previous job. It was a reputable non-profit organisation. The pleasure of even being in the working premise was even more overwhelming than being given a week paid annual leave. And frankly, I am not over-exaggerating this at all. I for one, am a person who always look up to matured wise and charismatic individuals and I am always astound by the fact that there I was working within the presence of a great leader, regardless of how he was perceived in the eye of dirty politics. When I decided to leave the foundation, I know I was letting my superior down, after priding the fact that I adore my job to everyone. I was still young and having to have an NGO work as my first job has been a risk-taking on my side (people tend to believe that NGOs are for retirees who have had it with the corporate world). I consulted with a lot of people, close friends, mutual acquaintances, even respectable and successful people in the industry who have worked in MNCs for 20 years, who have hold top management positions. All advices directed to the same thing, "You have the potential to succeed and I don't think you'll gain much staying here". Of course first job is like first love, and letting go has never been easy for me when I get attached to something. I left knowing that my superior was disappointed, but all I can say is that, "Its nothing personal, I just need to find whats out there for me, its entirely professional". Hence, its entire business.

I often consult my creative friends, to never get cheated, robbed or insulted when money and arts are concerned. But I have to constantly remind them that everything that happens in this world of business where ethic goes down the drain as money goes up the market, ITS JUST BUSINESS, NOTHING PERSONAL.

Business deals switch hands, favouritism, nepotism, first come first serve, late work no payment, discrimination, "You look better so you'll get the job", doormats, backstabbing, its ALL BUSINESS, NOTHING PERSONAL.

Being a Libran, I might just wanted to justify that everything I believe or have just written out is purely to being diplomatic. My professionalism is based on accounting theories, "True and Fair". My philosophy is life is based on "Everything Happens For A Reason". Combining both school of thoughts, I come to a conclusion, in everything you do, find a win-win situation and never look yourself as to be the victim.

And if you're smart enough to manipulate the underlying theory of this whole article, you can even manifest it in your life. And as you do, life would be more care free, hearts would be less broken, and smiles is just as easy as lifting up your cheeks. :-)

-author is lacking sleep and pretty much zombified. but her love for friends and family is keeping her up on her feet even though eyes wide shut and mind is sleeping-

(this article is meant for Digital Malaya Project write-up of the month. Visit www.digitalmalaya.com for more articles)

Getting, getting, getting, getting, going, gone! You are ...

He said "do you write for you or other people?"
I said "other people"
I said "I want them to see the beauty
that I can but just can not seem to touch,
which is only a metaphor for all of us."
- Lay Around by The Jealous Girlfriends -

Kenapa awak misscall saya?
Gatal.
Gatal ke Rindu?
Rindu tu apa? Sejenis kuih?
Rindu tu perasaan ketika kita rasa kehilangan.
Kalau macam itu, yelah kot. Saya rindu awak.
Saya tidak layak dirindu. I let people down.
I have Faith in you and I Trust my judgement. Because Faith is something we own, trust is something we give. Both are fully ours, no one has a say in both.



Let go.
I can't.
Why?
How can I let go?
You know I can't love you.
And you know I can't stop loving you.



Hurmmmmmmm .........

Bulan tiada malam ini
Patutlah hati ku gelisah
Titik titik hujan berbisik
Awan hitam akan menghalang sinaran bulan

Bulan kata Tunggu
Tunggu Sekejap
Awan akan pergi
Aku akan kembali
Menemanimu disisi

Aku bisik
Bulan jangan mungkir janji
Kerana hati aku sepi
Yang pergi takkan kembali
Jangan kau pun berputus untuk pergi.